Self-love

My Inferiority Complex from Comparing

When was the last time you compared yourself to others?

When you compare, do you compare yourself to people who are better or worse than you are?

What feelings come up after you’ve made the comparisons?

The last time I compared myself with other people was just last week when I saw an old colleague of mine switch roles and become a senior manager at a major company. That same day, I also compared myself to a business school classmate of mine who is four years younger than I am in age but who is a manager at his work. In both of these cases, I felt insignificant and little because I no longer have a “senior” in my title and I’m also not a manager. When I compare, I often compare myself to people I think are better than I am, and I use that as a way to put myself down. When I feel equal to or when I feel that I am in a better position than others, I approach it with a sense of privilege and gratitude. Before I make the comparison with someone I think is better than I am, I could have been in a great mood, feeling that I’m doing well in life. But once I start comparing, I turn all my accomplishments into naught. I deny that I’ve done anything well or right.

I shared these feelings of feeling less-than with a friend. The friend asked if I could also become a senior or a senior manager if I wanted to. Sure I can. But then I asked myself, is that what I want? At this point, no, and I also don’t feel ready yet to advance in my role. When it comes to job titles. I have had “senior” in my title before, but those titles were mere title changes that gave me a bump in my salary, not necessarily titles that gave me more responsibilities or extra experience. I have foregon the senior title a couple of times for more money. In my mind, I’d rather chase money than a title. However, guilt forms within me when I think this way. Why don’t I want more? Why am I not driven the way I should be?

Another example of feeling inadequate because of comparing relates to the long-term goal I set this year of wanting to increase my salary to 300K in three years. I still need to work out the steps on how to get there, but I thought the goal is achievable and not too lofty. But when I saw on social media that some people set goals to have a 6–7 figure monthly income, I wondered if my dreams are too small. When people in my life share their dreams that seem far fetched for myself, I also wonder if my dreams need to be bigger?

There are moments and in certain areas where I feel completely confident. I can work a crowd at large parties. I can have exciting one-on-one conversations. I am excellent at job interviews. I walk into the gym like I own the weight room. I grew an Asian American social group from 500 members to 3000 members within three years. When I was deep into the translation and interpreting business, I spoke with authority and clarity and also taught others how to support our community with people who have limited English abilities.

But I have long held insecurities about my capabilities at the workplace. I also have an inferiority complex of where I am in life compared to where I think I should be, and where I am going compared to where I think I should want to go. When it comes to my career, every single step feels like it has been challenging as I’m always trying to prove to myself that I am worthy of the role. Even though I’ve received accolades and promotions, I never feel that I am good enough. I always feel that I am not enough.

When it comes to business school as well, I often feel that my classmates are smarter than I am and have better experiences than I do even though I have no bases for my assumptions.

Last week, I had a team project for business school. I felt anxious about it because I have never worked with the classmate. He’s spoken up in class and made some good points. I felt that he is smart. I was nervous about the project and worried about how I would come across to him. I was also feeling stressed because it took me a while to grasp the assignment. Thankfully, I finally understood it and I was prepared––I read the case. I formulated my thoughts, and had a point of view to share. Once I did that, I felt much better. In our team meeting, I was actually more prepared than my teammate, and we had a good discussion. I did not feel less than, but like an equal. That was a win for me. It was a win because even though I had felt less than, I didn’t let it hinder my performance. I still did what I needed to do, and I proved myself wrong.

This is how I am in the workplace a well. I always make sure that I prepare ahead of meetings. This is a good thing, but what I need to alter is the reason why I’m prepared. I should be prepared because it is best for me and also my customer, not because I want to make sure I don’t feel less-than at the meeting.

Sometimes, when I feel little, it shows in my body language and others can see as well. Years ago when I was researching which business school in Chicago to apply to, I went to an info session held by the admissions office. My married ex came along with me. At the time, he was finishing up law school. Before the session, there was an hour of meet and greet, with h’ourderves and cocktail tables for people to mingle. The admissions director was making his rounds. When he came to our table, he looked at my ex and me, and asked him, “why are you deciding now to get your MBA?” My ex immediately redirected the admissions director’s attention to let him know that his wife, who was standing next to him, was actually who is interested in applying.

Something about how the director of admissions assumed that my tall, white, male, blonde-haired, blue-eyed partner was looking at business schools, made me feel little. I felt insignificant because I’m am short and I didn’t feel that I have the stature of someone impressive, especially when I was standing next to someone else who is 6’4. I also have the complex of not being where I should be in life and so I was already feeling insignificant. Once I feel little, I feel like I also shrink in the space I’m taking up. That interaction and event was a bust for me. I didn’t reframe my mindset and felt inadequate the rest of the time. I stayed little and did not have a great interaction with the admissions director.

The truth is, I did that to myself. I made the assumption that he didn’t see me as business school material. I made the assumption that I didn’t stand out. For all I know, he could have thought we both were looking at business school, or that he was just asking everybody there the same question. That I let that person’s possible opinion deflate my confidence is something that I need to work on. My ex and I talked about this after the event. He was surprised by how quickly I deflated and also pointed out that I have a tendency to defer to people who I think are better than I am. This was 3 years ago, and I’m still working on the moments when I want to defer to people because I think they are better and therefore always right.

After that experience, I attended all pre-business school events by myself. I made sure to go by myself so I had no one to lean on when I felt uncertainty. I made sure to remind myself to stand tall and not defer to anyone. I was nervous for every single event, but I took deep breaths before walking into the room, and made my rounds. I did so well it took my own breath away. I took control of the room and situation, not the admissions directors. The interview and networking event I went to before I got accepted to Kellogg at Northwestern University was amazing. I was on it. I was in control. I was confident. All of that showed through my interactions and personality that day, and I think all of that helped with the admissions’ decision to accept me into the school.

The little moments when I feel big are moments that I am proud of. I am big! I can take up space. I belong and I am just as competent as anyone who got hired into my company and got accepted into my business school.

Going back to feeling little. I feel little when I compare. I feel little when I let society determine who I should be, how I should act, where I should work, what position I should hold, and how much money I should make. I feel little when I don’t fit into the box. I feel little also because I don’t take credit for what I have achieved and what I am capable of. I know in my mind that I am not what I believe myself to be, that I am more than what I tell myself I am. But I think so little of myself in certain cases that it is crazy to anyone who know me that I think that way.

What do I need to do to feel confidence in these areas? What I need to do to counter these self-doubts and insecurities?

I know that a mindset shift is needed for me to truly feel confidence in work and school, to keep in mind that I am competent and not let my confidence escape me. Here are some actions I can take whenever I start to feel less-than.

Question the Limiting Beliefs. When I feel inferior, or as if an imposter, I need to sit down and evaluate my thoughts and feelings. Are they accurate? If there are areas I can work on, write those down and take steps to improve myself so I can build confidence in those areas. If I am belittling myself again, I should jott down what I am good at, what I have done well, and challenge my inferiority complex. I need to own what I know. Own my achievements. Own that I am good enough.

Accept that I can also Be Better Than Others. I can be the alpha, too! I don’t need to always be the beta in work and school. I don’t ever need to make myself little just to make other people feel better. Sometimes I do that. I make myself seem less knowledgeable because I am afraid to be the one who knows the most. Why do I do that? Who does it even serve? I need to learn to accept that I do know things, that I am capable, and that when I own it, I can share my knowledge and truly become a leader.

Accept the Compliments I Receive. I don’t take compliments well. I say thank you but I don’t agree with the compliments most times. I see what other see, and I see why they say what they say about me, but deep down inside, I don’t believe it. I say thank you because I know it’s what is expected of me, and there’s no need to show my insecurity in front of people who don’t matter to me. I need to work on believing in myself and my worth so I can truly accept what others see in me and believe me to be.

Keep Moving Forward. I haven’t been one to stop taking action just because of my fear of not being good enough. I need to continue not to let my fears and feelings of unworthiness hold me back. This is one way I can prove to myself that I am so much more than I believe.

Document It. We are forgetful beings. When things go well, I celebrate them for a few seconds, and then I go back to the grind. When things go unwell, I can focus on it longer, feeling down. But the truth is, there are more good moments than bad, but I fixate on the few occasions that make me feel little. Documenting my wins will help remind me that I am so much more than what I am feeling in the current moment.

Love Myself. At the end of the day, I need to accept myself. Accept where I am in life while knowing that I’m taking steps every day to grow and become more and more myself. Accept and love myself for how I am now, and tell myself every day that I am enough. This is a way to affirm to myself that I’m moving in the right direction.

Do some of these feelings happen to you?

If you also feel insecure, feel little, or inferior, I hope that you also know that you are so much more than what you believe yourself to be. Observe yourself more. Listen to what others are saying to you, and embody those compliments. You are enough right now. Don’t let even yourself tell you otherwise.

My Relationship with Sex

Growing up, we didn’t talk about sex in my family. We didn’t see my parents kiss or show affection. When there are sex scenes on movies, we awkwardly cover our eyes or make gawking noises to show our disapproval. One time my dad jokingly grabbed my mom’s butt and breast. It scarred me for life.

My parents never had a sex talk with me. All I remember is that my dad told me not to go visit any boys because they only want one thing—he didn’t say it out loud, but I know he meant sex. I don’t think my parents had the birds and the bees talk with my brother either, so I actually had the conversation with him when he was in high school about having safe sex and consent. I wanted to make sure he knew it is okay and normal but also that he needed to be safe. I wanted to normalize sex for him even though it was something I struggled with into my early 30s.

The way we avoided talking about sex is what gave me a stigma against sex. I always felt that sex was dirty, rachet, and animalistic. Being raised Christian, growing up in a church, and also growing up as a rule follower, having sex was completely out of the question for me. When I met guys in high school and college, I was always explicit that sex is not gonna happen. I would say, “I don’t do sex.” Later on, even as I became less religious, I still insisted on not having sex and wore my virginity as a badge of honor. I was a virgin until I was 24.

My married ex and I met when I was 20 and we dated for four years before we got married. We kissed and went a few bases, but never had sex until we got married. It was important to me to wait and I appreciated his patience. But little did I know that I carried a stigma that sex is bad and dirty. It was something I carried into our marriage. I felt dirty and gross when we had sex. I didn’t want to be like a wild animal doing animalistic things. I didn’t understand it. I was ashamed by the act. It felt demeaning even though it is supposed to be an act of passion.

When we separated, I decided that I wanted to explore my sexuality. This was a drastic change for me. I went from sex avoiding to focusing mainly on sex. I went from holding onto my virginity for my dear life, to being scared of sex, to exploring it like I have never seen sex before. This is what led me into the bad relationships between 2017–2018, where sex was at the center of those flings.

After I broke away from those bad relationships, in 2019 I went on dating apps for the first time to meet people. It was new and exciting to meet people outside of my usual circles, but sexual compatibility was still on the top of my mind. I would sleep with the guys by the second date if there was some chemistry. My thought process was that I didn’t want to waste time dating to find out that we didn’t work in the bedroom. I needed to make sure we were sexually compatible to even consider moving forward. But that strategy didn’t work. I still picked a guy who wouldn’t commit, and the same story of me being with a guy who didn’t want a girlfriend repeated itself.

I went on a break from dating for about half a year and then went on dating apps again at the end of 2019, going into 2020. This time around, I was more intentional. I had a sense of the qualities I was looking for in a guy and slept with no one until I met the one guy I thought had potential. I also waited four dates before we tried to have sex. Even though the sex didn’t work, we still decided to date after talking for 6 months. I decided that we can work on the bedroom pieces through patience and conversations. No longer did I use sexual compatibility as a main benchmark. What I looked for instead was someone who knows who he is, who has a steady career, who has passions and hobbies, and a support group of his own. Someone who is self-motivated and would push me to become a better version of myself. I explored what I needed and observed and communicated. The relationship didn’t work out in the end, but I learned a lot about myself in the process. I learned how to be true to myself and my needs.

I’m sharing this because I’ve learned over the years how important it is for each of us to have a healthy relationship with sex. This is also a topic that we all think about but are embarrassed to discuss or timid in exploring, which is also part of where the stigma comes from. Opening up that door for myself to explore what it means to have sex, what sex means to me, has been an important part of my development and personal growth.

Below I share some of the things I’ve learned about how we should view and handle sex to promote a healthy relationship with it. As always, I am not a professional. These are my thoughts based on my experiences.

Own Your Sexuality. There was a girl I knew who was in sales and she took pride in the fact that her sexuality, gender, and looks, got her many of her deals. I had been in sales before working mainly with manufacturing clients, which is a middle-aged male dominated industry. I refused to use my sexuality to get deals. I wanted to be respected by what I know and I wanted to close deals because the customer has a need in the services we offer, not because of how I look. Although our views differ in that, I applaud her confidence in using what she has to her advantage. It is an empowering move to know that about yourself.

When it comes to bedroom talks, owning your sexuality is important as well. It’ll allow you to get the pleasure you need and make it a lot more fun. To know your body and your sexuality is power.

Don’t Let Sex Fog Your Decisions. We all have our physical needs and our need for connection. It’s easy to compromise other aspects of a relationship if sex is on the top of your list. Explore your own body and learn to take care of your own physical needs as well so you have the power and control over it, not some random guy.

Masterbation is normal. I learned from my girlfriends, too, hat having toys is not shameful. In fact, it is empowering.

We Should Have More Conversations about Sex. When my girlfriends and I started to open up about our sexual histories, it can be cringey to hear or share because of our predisposed biases on how a lady should behave, but it is also empowering to see that we are all in the process of learning and exploring our sexualities. Having more conversations about sex in general will also help us normalize it.

Don’t Judge. Don’t judge your own or other people’s sexual experiences. We each have our own process of self-exploration and have different levels of needs at different times. Recently I thought about just having casual sex and had conversations about exploring it, but I recognized that I would eventually want more than just a sexual relationship, so I forfeited that conversation. It’s okay to explore your options. Just make sure you are 100% on board with your decision. It’s also okay to back out last minute. You can change your mind.

The other piece to judging is that there unfortunately is slut shaming in our culture. When men sleep with several women, they get high fives. When a woman admits that she’s had casual sex or multiple sex partners, she gets looks telling her she should be ashamed of herself. I hate that double standard and disagree with it. I didn’t judge myself for exploring the option of casual sex. I recognized that I have needs and explored the options I had. Even if I had decided to have a pure-sexual relationship, it is nothing to feel ashamed about because it would have been what I wanted and have consented to.

Set Boundaries. Know what you need and set boundaries for yourself. Figure out what you’re okay and not okay with before getting into a sexual situation to make sure you’re being true and authentic to yourself. If you are okay with a booty call, go for it (but be safe). If you need dinner and a movie before that, set the expectation. You need commitment before having sex? Set that expectation. It’s okay to ask for what you want sexually. The key is to be true to yourself and don’t do anything that you don’t feel 100% into doing.

I’m still in the process of learning and understanding myself more in this area, such is thinking through what I need and want and also setting and sticking to boundaries. Ultimately, we all want to make sure we are being safe and that we are approaching sex in a healthy way.

How Feeling Unworthy Kept Me in Bad Relationships

After my last post on my upbringing without my mom, I connected with my mom. I expressed my resentment toward her absence when we were growing up, but also shared that I have an inkling that she may have been going through struggles and conflicts that made it difficult for her to show up as a mother. My mom decided she was ready to share her story with me, and it was heartbreaking. I demanded the truth, and got it. I wish my assumptions were inaccurate, that I was romanticizing the whole thing, but my mom is filled with hurt.

Whatever the reason was that she decided to get married, my mom has been miserable since the beginning. She’s living a lifestyle that is a downgrade to her upbringing, and she seems to regret that. It also seems that each of my parents look down on the other for specific reasons. My mom looks down on my dad because of his height and because he is from a poor family. My dad looks down on my mom because she did not complete a formal college education. My mom came from a rich family and grew up with maids and a driver. My dad is a professor with a ph.D and values internal growth rather than external materials. Even on the wedding day, and days leading up to the wedding, my mom did not feel that she was loved or considered. She also expressed that she had kids to distract her from her marriage.

As I listened to her share, my heart ached for her. I had a feeling that she wasn’t living her as her true authentic self, but I didn’t realize how much pain she’s been in. She put us down, because she was put down by my dad. She wasn’t there for us, because her mother wasn’t around for her. She wasn’t home and didn’t attend our events because she wasn’t happy. Overtime, she’s hidden the parts of herself that I love about her––her big personality, her straight forwardness, her liveliness––with the hopes that if she changes, she can receive love from my dad.

I recognize many parallels from the people I’ve had in my dating life with what my mom’s experienced with just one person, and I realize that all of it has to do with my lack of self-worth when being with those people. My mom hasn’t seen her worth, but she is slowly recognizing that she is worthy of love and and that she deserves much more than what my dad is offering her. I’ll share some of the examples that showed a lack of self-worth that came to mind.

  • When I let them take parts of me but not all of me––My dad has a girlfriend of 18 years and he is still with my mom. From the outside, everything looks fine and dandy. My parents run a hiking group together, they teach English together, they also host cooking classes together. There are pictures shared each week on the adventures they go on. But my dad has a girlfriend and my mom is still with him. The pictures look happy and harmonious, but they are not authentic. My mom let my dad behave in ways that make her feel little. She lets him walk all over her because she hopes that her acceptance of his behavior would make him love her.

    I’ve also been in manipulative relationships where the guy is still connected to his ex-girlfriend, where I’m kept a secret, where everything, including when and where we see each other was on his terms. My emotions went up and down because of this guy. When things are good, I’m happy. When I feel ignored, I feel down. And all the times in between, I’m wondering if he’s thinking of me, if I even matter. I realize now, that I’m the one who put myself through all of this. I lacked self-respect and self-worth. The reason I say this is, these guys have told me exactly what they wanted. From the get go, they told me straight up that they wanted to be with me but stay single. They didn’t want other people to think they are taken. They want to keep their options open. And I’m the one who lived in a dream land where I thought things would change. I lived in a fantasy where I thought that if I gave myself more and more, if I did what they wanted, gave them the freedom they seek, then they will be mine eventually. So I kept giving and giving, and I kept asking for a relationship, but all I got was nothing back.

    It takes me a while––it always does–––for me to finalize recognize that I was demeaning myself when I let guys treat me as a side chick, someone who is easily replaceable, someone who has no value or self-esteem.
  • When he silenced me for being me and for speaking my truth––My mom has been someone who spoke her mind. That was something I remember growing up. If she was there and had to stand up for us, she had no fear in doing so. My mom shared that she feels that she can no longer speak her mind. If she wants to stand up for something, my dad silences her because he feels embarrassed by her causing conflict or tension. She now chooses not to speak up as much because she doesn’t want to get reprimanded for it.

    In relationships as well, I feel that I’m always the one to start conversations when things are not going the way I want them to go. In those bad relationships though, I also notice that the guy gets annoyed when I want to have a serious talk, when I am asking for something that I deserve. They make me feel like i’m nagging, that I’m an inconvenience, that I shouldn’t want what I am asking for. When we like someone a lot and want to please, it’s easy for us to change our behavior and who we are so we can stay with the person. But when a person doesn’t respect you, even if you speak your truth and ask for what you want, you will not be heard.
  • When I accept disrespectful behaviors and make excuses for them–My mom described some things my dad has done that tells me that he does not respect my mom as a person. I’ve been in situations as well, where the guy I liked would always show up late, sometimes even 2–3 hours late because he had other more important things to tend to. I let them be late. I don’t show I’m angry. I still act as if I’m so grateful for them to even show up, as if he was an angel sent from heaven and I should bow to him. I tolerated the behavior. I thought this makes me someone who is understanding, who is not emotional and who would not bicker about tiny things, but this is a behavior that shows that he has no respect for my time. And my accepting this behavior showed that I didn’t respect my own time and worth.
  • When he verbally and emotionally abuses me by putting me down and making me doubt myself – If my mom shows that she is more dominant in a situation, my dad puts her down. He denies that she has strengths in organization, in leadership, and talks down to her when she tries to showcase those skills. Now she tries not to speak up or stand up for what she feels is right so not to upset my dad. My mom has silenced herself, made herself little so my dad can shine, accepted the emotional and verbal abuse that denies her of her worth over and over again.

    When the person you are with cannot celebrate your wins and share your strengths, it is an insecurity in themselves that they are showing. When you don’t realize your value, you will try to accommodate the other person’s insecurity by dumbing yourself down, and overtime, you will just believe it.
  • When he uses sex to keep me with him, or withholds sex as a power play—The first guy I was involved with after my separation was someone who used sex as his weapon. He would talk about it as if it was his biggest pride. He used it to persuade me that I was making a big mistake when I tried to end it with him––it took me a few times before I finally cut off the relationship. He told me that I will be sorry because I will never have amazing sex like that again.

    If I hadn’t recognized my worth finally, it would have kept me because in that time in my life, sexual compatibility was a key thing that I was looking for. When I realized that I deserved so much better than he was able to offer me and that he treated me like trash, even if it were the best sex in the world, I wouldn’t want it. He can keep it.

In all of these examples, I frame it in terms of “I let him to this to me,” “I let him behave a certain way,” because I believe that we have choices and have control over who we choose to be with. These choices may not be easy, because there are considerations and fears that keep us from leaving a bad relationship––maybe we worry about not being able to financially support ourselves, or we are scared to be alone, or that we love this person so much that we still are hoping that he will change one day. Or, in many cases, we also fear the unknown. There are many reasons for us to stay in a bad relationship, but I’ve come to realize, from my experience, that the biggest reasons for us to stay is that we don’t think we are worthy of something better.

For most of my life, I felt unworthy. I always felt stupid, and ugly, and little. A big part of it has to do with my upbringing, because I was told that I’m stupid and ugly. And so when it came to dating, I always felt bad for the guys who were with me, for having to tolerate with all my flaws and shortcomings. After my ex, I’ve been through guys who mistreated me. Like many other women, I thought that if I talked about what I’m looking for, what I wanted, if I just let them know, they will eventually change. I wanted commitment, but they wanted parts of me but not all of me. They wanted a companion when is convenient for them. They were selfishly used my time as if it were infinite, and I just gave them my time, as if it wasn’t worth anything.

We talk down to ourselves and say that this is as good as it gets. We don’t see that we deserve so much better. We don’t love ourselves enough for fight for a better situation. Brené Brown puts it well, “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

The truth is, we are worthy and deserve to be accepted and loved for who we are, flaws and all. We should be loved for who we are without having to hide parts of ourselves. When we don’t feel loved and fight tirelessly for that love, it impacts how we see ourselves, because we feel that we have to constantly make changes to who we are to get the love that we seek.

Here are some things I’ve learned from my bad relationships on how to exercise your self-worth Of course, I am not a professional. These are some things that I’ve picked up through my experiences and through hearing shared experiences with my girlfriends.

1. You Are Worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. You don’t need to change who you are to be worthy of love and comfort. Worthiness, in Brene Brown’s words, does not have any prerequisites. In this moment, just as you are, you are worthy. When we let people treat us in a way that we don’t deserve, it tells them that we are okay with it and that we don’t think we can do any better. A person who doesn’t value you will walk all over this and take advantage of it.

2. Dig a Little to Figure Out Why You’re Still in it. I think it’s important to reflect on what is important to you in a relationship and why you’re with a specific person. My big queue is when I notice that I am not acting in accordance to what I truly want. When I am not being authentic to what I want and who I am, all sorts of tensions and conflict rise up within me, and even the joys I feel with the person are just temporary. As a whole, the bad relationships were a big hit to my ego, my self-respect, and my self-worth. As I said earlier, there can be many, many reasons to keep us in a bad relationship, but we only need to find our self-worth to realize it’s time to go.

3. Stop Being Too Nice. I used to think that I would be nice and smiley to everyone, even if they have hurt me. I used to be so “empathetic” that I worry about hurting someone if I don’t do what they want. Stop thinking about how your decision to make a better choice for yourself will impact the other person. Be nicer to yourself. And after you end it, also don’t be so nice to want to keep it civil with that person.

As I’ve found my worth, I also started to question: why do they think they deserve to still have access to me? When I ended it with the manipulator, I would still acknowledge him in social settings. We met through salsa dancing, and I still danced with him. But every time, I felt icky afterward because I was doing it to be civil, to be nice, even though it was not what I wanted. Why should I still stroke his ego when he mistreated me?

I think this is part of recognizing my worth and having self-respect. I don’t harbor hatred toward him, but I do not respect him as a human being, and I don’t want anything to do with him. He is invisible to me and that is on him.

4. Be Proud of Who You Are. Stop hiding yourself and making yourself little. It takes courage but also vulnerability to step out of your little bubble so you can start to shine. I’ve been in plenty of situations where I felt less than and unworthy, and my response to that has been to shrink inside myself and defer to others. I will share more on this in another post.

5. Own Your Worth. One final reminder that you are Worthy, without any conditions or pre-requisites. In Brene Brown’s words, you are worthy,

“[w]orthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.”

Once you recognize this, you will stand up for yourself. You will break away from what puts you down.

My Marriage and Divorce

People see marriage as a once-in-a-liftetime event. Some see it as a milestone, an item to check off from one’s list of things to do to be successful. Girls dream about becoming a bride. They plan out their wedding even before having a boyfriend. They know what style dress they want and what color scheme to choose before even getting a proposal.

May 2010, Palmer House Hilton, Chicago, IL

I never had that dream, but I got married when I was 24. Part of it, was because I was following the path that was expected of me. You date a guy that you’re compatible with and care about a lot for about 4 years, next is marriage, so you can build a life together.

I had a good partner. He was supportive of my dreams and aspirations. He accepted all of my quirks and shortcomings. He listened and understood me. He spoke highly of me. He encouraged me when I doubted myself. Pushed me when I couldn’t push myself. When we met in college, my essay-writing skills were so bad that I was referred to the writing center; but he helped me edit every single paper starting from my sophomore year. Even when we started looking for jobs, and when I switched employers, he reviewed my resumes and cover letters. Even when I was applying to an MBA program after we got a divorce, he still offered his feedback on my essay. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without him. He’s always watched out for me, cheered for me, supported me.

Within the marriage, his family accepted me. His grandparents and uncles let me call them grandma and grandpa and uncle, which made me feel a part of the family. But our marriage didn’t feel right. There were years of internal struggles from my side that I share in my podcast, and I eventually recognized that I couldn’t stay married. The life I could have with him would look amazing from the outside––we’d have a condo in downtown Chicago, we’d have a dog, we’d travel around the world, eat at nice restaurants and fancy bars, we’d attend fancy galas with his fancy job or maybe mine, we would retire in the Grand Tetons of Wyoming––of course, these are still things that I can have, but when it came to the marriage, I knew that all the external achievements still wouldn’t make me feel full inside. If these things that made my life feel stable and secure were what kept me, it wouldn’t have been right for me to stay.

It’s easy to fall onto a path that seems definite, but certainty can also be suffocating when it isn’t the right path for you. My mom does not understand this. She doesn’t understand why I cannot stay married and live as roommates. She asks why I can’t just settle simply to have a companion to go home to. Although I see where she is coming from, the life that she can tolerate is not for me.

I care a lot for my ex, so I ignored the signs and oppressed what I was feeling for a long time. I tried to change my mindset to accept a life that didn’t feel right, to accept a future that didn’t feel fully me. But it eventually came to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore.

One of the biggest mistakes we made was that we didn’t truly communicate. We talked daily––I shared everything that was going on with me with him. But we were not vulnerable about our feelings about our marriage nor what we wanted or needed out of it. I tried to talk about it but we always ended up changing topics and never got to them, or we just assumed that the issues brought up were ones that would eventually disappear. They didn’t.

When we separated, it was very sudden. We had the conversation on a Thursday night, and he moved out on Friday. It was hard and it was very hard for at least two years. I still get emotional about it but we both know it was the right decision.

The right decisions can often be the hardest decisions. Getting a divorce feels like grieving the death of a loved one. When we separated, the intense emotions I felt were the same ones I felt when my paternal grandpa passed away. It hurt. The loss and the pain I felt made my chest tighten, my face heat up, and my tears well up. When I’ve spent 12 years with a person every single day, talking to him, seeing him, and all of a sudden that is gone, it’s a loss. When little moments that only he understands or would appreciate happen and I can’t really text him the same way I used to, I felt lost.

I’ve had a few moments one and two years into it when I doubted my decision to get a divorce. It’s funny because I had so much conviction when I decided to separate. I spoke with absolute certainty of my decision to move forward. I had no doubt in my mind. But still, there were two big moments when I thought I had made the wrong move.

One time I was at a bachata congress in Spain and was wide awake at 4 a.m. because I had roommates who snored. I typed out a long, heart-wrenching email to him while sitting and crying in the hotel bathroom floor (there was nowhere else to sit), questioning my decision. I even proposed that we try to get to know each other again and date again––maybe this time it’ll be different. That e-mail, when I read it again, was actually full of fear. Fear that I will never find the same connection that I had with him, fear that I had made the wrong choice. It was not actually of a longing of wanting to go back to the past.

Another time was when I watched a movie that reminded me of our experience and made me question if I tried hard enough at the marriage, if I was supportive enough of him. This time, my messaging to my ex was full of guilt.

Each time I question myself, he reminded me that I made the right decision for the two of us. Him telling me that I made the right choice helped validate my feelings and reduce some of the guilt that I have been holding onto. I’m fortunate that even after our divorce, he has been the one who has helped me sift through these feelings and also who continues to be the objective supporter of my decisions and my champion. I’m really am lucky to have met him.

All this is to say, neither marriage or a divorce is easy. The decision to get married is one of the highest commitments you can give to a person, but sometimes even when you give your best, it can still not work out. Getting a divorce means parting with that past, but it also is an opportunity to go at life in a different way. I had to find myself again. Learn to really be on my own. Learn to reach out to my friends when I need emotional support. Learn to be kind to myself when I feel sad. Learn to be strong because I chose this.

I wanted to share this because I feel that people who have not experienced marriage or divorce see it as something that’s black and white. They say that marriage is sacred, that you should stay in it no matter what, even if you are not happy, even if you are abused, even if it takes your identity away. Divorce is bad. You are a failure if you can’t even keep a marriage. You are damaged goods if you’ve been through a divorce. But that’s not how it is. This one is my experience, but others likely have entirely different experiences and emotions.

Some things I’ve learned from this experience:

  • Getting a divorce isn’t the end of the world. When we separated, the first thought that came to our minds were, “What I am going to do, being 30 and divorced?” We were each other’s first long-term, and real relationship so we had never dated before each other. A different life was unimaginable. I’ve thought about a different life before, but it didn’t look that glamorous. It’s scary to jump into the unknown, into a space we’d never explored nor had been exposed to, but we each learned that it really isn’t the end of the world. We’ve both adapted and are doing well.
  • Getting a divorce isn’t a failure. You are not a failure if your marriage doesn’t last forever. My mom may think differently. She’s in a marriage not because she’s happy in it but because she feels that she doesn’t have a choice and she is fine with her situation. But I am not my mom. To me, I would have failed myself if I had stayed in a situation I didn’t want to be in, if I had settled. This is a lesson I’m learning each day as I’m dealing with people and situations now–learning to say no to things that aren’t right for me.

    There definitely is a stigma against divorces though. My ex’s name was on my grandpa’s obituary as my husband when my grandpa passed away, which was after our separation. My parents didn’t want the family and friends to know. They also didn’t want my late grandpa to find out even after his death.
  • Divorce is sad, but it’s not a bad thing. There is a reason why people end up separating––it tends to be a better situation for both people, even if they may not know it at the time. It is sad but it’s also not sad. Did you know that people throw divorce parties now? It’s something that can be celebrated!
  • You can and will start over. It’s scary but also exciting to start over and find yourself again and build a new self. I am living by myself for the first time in my entire life. (I went from living at home to having roommates to living with a husband so I had never lived on my own.) I love it. I love that I can decorate the place the way I want it and feel comfortable in the home I built for myself.

    I’m learning as well that being on your own doesn’t mean that you are alone. I have so much support from my friends and family that I have never felt that I had no one to turn to.
  • Most people don’t care. When it comes to dating again, one of the concerns is that there’s a stigma against divorced people, but I haven’t felt that to be an issue. Most people that I’ve encountered have not cared that I used to be married. In fact, having the experience being married is a testament that you are able to be in a long-term, committed relationship. Not everyone can say they’ve had that.
  • Tough decisions can set you free. Sometimes it’s impossible for us to think of a different outcome for ourselves when we are in specific situations. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of what we are comfortable with in order to pursue a life that is truly authentic. But when you do, you open new doors for yourself. You set yourself free to new possibilities.
  • Make peace with it. As I have been thinking about this topic and also as I’ve seen the marriages around me–even though they are filled with challenges and some complaints as well, the couples are still in it together–it makes me wonder and wander about whether or not I made the right choice. I guess it means that although I act like I’m tough, parts of me is still processing this whole ordeal. I know I need to move on. I’m working on it. It’s going to take time.

My marriage, my divorce, and my time with my ex will always be a chapter in my life’s story. I am happy to be where I am today. I am a more independent and self-aware individual who is chasing after a life that is truly her’s. One thing that occurred to me when I was recording the podcast is that, perhaps my journey of striving for authenticity didn’t just start this past year. Perhaps it started the moment I took the courage to end the marriage so I can live my life in the way that feels right for me. That’s empowering.

What is one of the biggest, and most difficult decision you’ve had to make in a relationship? Share with me!