Believe it or not, divorce is not a decision you can make on a whim.
And when you’ve decided you are going to get a divorce, because it is the right choice for you, the next question is just as important: when? For me, that was when I was able to support myself.
Getting a divorce isn’t simply about deciding. It’s also about planning to make sure that you set yourself up in the best position possible post-divorce. Among the decisions you need to make, such as where you’ll live, where you’ll get support, and what to do about the kids, the most important is making sure your finances are in place so that you can support yourself and your own lifestyle.
It took me over four years between the thought of getting a divorce and actually asking for a divorce. One of the practical reasons was that I didn’t think I’d be able to sustain myself financially if I had ended it earlier. It sounds awful. It sounds like the years I stayed were all a lie, but as you probably are experiencing now, it’s not all black and white.
In the four years of pondering, I experienced unending emotional tension and agony. I kept on finding reasons to stay, despite how I felt deep down. Staying would give me an easier life. My husband was supportive, I loved his family, and we would build a picture-perfect life. But deep down, I knew that the life we would build actually wasn’t one that was truly for me. It was a life that I thought I should want, but didn’t want. Was I to swallow that feeling and accept the deeply felt misalignment for the rest of my life?
I’d had this feeling before, where I knew the answer but fought against it. I interviewed for a job to be able to relocate from DC to Chicago. Once I walked into the office and saw the state of the employees there, I knew I would not be happy while also feeling confident that I would get the job offer. I got the job offer and it allowed me to relocate, but I was right that I was miserable, despite making my best effort to make the most of it. Sometimes, you just know. And sometimes, your feelings will not change despite your best efforts.
I didn’t have a coach and didn’t know anyone who had gone through a divorce, so I didn’t actually know that I was supposed to plan. However, over the course of several years, I unintentionally built a strong network and friend group for myself. I upskilled myself and looked for opportunities for advancement. Some of it came with luck. A headhunter found me and led me into an e-commerce role that opened up new doors for me afterward, including pursuing my MBA and moving into tech.
If I had a short checklist at the start of the decision-making, these are what I’d put on it:
- Understand your finances, shared and individual. Gather as many documents relating to finances as you can, such as tax returns, bank statements, and mortgage documents. If you end up working with an attorney or settling, these will be important to have. Rules differ by state and country, so check what applies where you live.
- Know your budget. How much do you spend each month, and how much do you earn? Add up how much the household spends on rent or mortgage, utilities, gas, and groceries.
- Assess your earning potential and save money. Once you know your budget, you’ll know how much you need to have saved up, including an emergency fund (3–6 months of spending, or more). Ask yourself whether your income can support you on your own, and if not, what steps you can take to change that.
- Identify resources to support you, such as an attorney, a certified divorce financial analyst, a therapist, or a certified divorce coach (like me).
Disclaimer: I’m a coach, not an attorney nor a financial advisor. This is not legal nor financial advice.
If you are stuck in the back and forth of staying and leaving, ask yourself: What do you really want? Take away the shoulds. What would let the true you come out into the spotlight?
Everyone will have their opinion on how to navigate your marriage, how much more you need to do to make it work, but only you know if there’s anything left to save. And once you make that decision to choose yourself, make sure you can afford to do so.
I didn’t have a coach when I was going through this, and I didn’t know anyone who had been through it. If that sounds like you, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Let’s connect.